For kids, milestone birthdays are a big deal—turning 10 (double digits!), turning 13 (officially a teen!), turning 16 (hand over the keys!). But one of the biggest milestones has to be turning 5. Being a whole hand old and gearing up for kindergarten is an exciting time for both children and parents. For parents, it marks the bittersweet transition from having a baby or toddler to having a school-aged child. So, what happens when your child is set to turn 5 during a time of school closures and social distancing?
My niece Emma turned 5 in mid-April. About a month before her birthday, I received a text from my best friend Sarah (Emma’s mom) asking for advice on how to explain to Emma that her birthday party was cancelled. Emma had been looking forward to her 5th birthday since her 4th and talked about it non-stop. Naturally, Sarah was worried about disappointing Emma and wanted to know how to help her through it. While I had some ideas, I was surprised to find that a quick Google search revealed little guidance on how to navigate this situation. With so many families facing similar challenges, I wanted to share the advice I gave Sarah to help other families handle the birthday blues.
1. Tell the Truth
We all want our kids to feel safe, and one of the best ways to ensure that is by being honest with them. Children won’t feel secure with an adult they can’t trust, so it’s important to be straightforward when breaking the news. If you’ve already explained why social distancing is necessary, use that same language when explaining why the party is cancelled. Avoid blaming others or external authorities (like “the governor said” or “the mayor said”), as this can turn the situation into a negative experience. Instead, frame the conversation around keeping everyone safe, because ultimately, that’s what it’s all about.
2. Let Them Feel Their Feelings
Your child may have strong reactions when they hear their event is cancelled, and that’s okay. As tough as it is to witness, it’s important to let them experience those feelings. While the instinct to fix it or distract them is natural, it’s not helpful in the moment. First, understand that when children are in the midst of big emotions, they can’t effectively process new information. Second, if we constantly redirect their feelings, they miss the opportunity to learn how to acknowledge, name, and work through their emotions.
Here’s how you can help guide them through this process:
Give them the vocabulary: Expand their emotional vocabulary beyond “sad” and “mad” by introducing words like “frustrated” and “disappointed.” You can say, “I know you were looking forward to this. You must be disappointed,” or “It’s frustrating when something you were excited about gets cancelled.”
Ask how they’re feeling: They might share an emotion or describe a physical sensation. If they express an emotion, acknowledge it. If they describe a physical feeling, help them connect it to an emotion. For example, if they say they feel “hot,” you might say, “Sometimes when we feel angry, our body feels hot.”
Help them process: For older kids, creative outlets like painting, crafting, or writing can help externalize their emotions. For younger kids, breathing exercises, dancing, yoga, or physical activities like pushing against a wall can provide a sense of grounding and help regulate big feelings.
3. Have a Plan
Once your child is calm and ready to talk, it’s time to make a plan! Brainstorm some alternatives ahead of time, such as a birthday parade, a Zoom party, or a virtual visit from their favorite character. Involve your child in the planning process—it gives them a sense of control and comfort in a time when so much feels uncertain. Avoid vague promises like rescheduling for “later,” as this can create ongoing anxiety and anticipation. Instead, offer concrete alternatives that allow them to celebrate in a new way now.
I shared this advice with Sarah, and she later texted to say that Emma’s reaction was simply, “Alright.” No tears, no meltdown. I’ve seen many parents on social media express similar concerns, only to find that their children were more resilient than expected. It got me thinking: When we worry about disappointing our kids, are we actually projecting our own fears and anxieties onto the situation? The answer is likely yes—and that’s perfectly normal.
As parents and caregivers, we never want to see our children sad or hurting, and the thought of letting them down can be heartbreaking. After all, their milestones are our milestones too, and cancelling a big event can be just as disappointing for us.
Before sharing disappointing news with your child, take time to go through these steps yourself. Be honest, allow yourself to feel your own emotions, and work through them in a constructive way. Create a plan to address both your child’s feelings and your own. By taking these steps, you’ll be better equipped to support your child through their disappointment, helping them to feel secure and cared for. Children who feel supported are more likely to navigate their emotions positively, emerging stronger and more resilient. Remember, our little ones are resilient heroes—and with your guidance, they’ll find their way through this, too.
This post is an edited version of an original blog post that was previously published on KidPowerment.
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